...And We're Back!

It's been a long hot summer, and the KFB team has been taking some time out to relax, kick back, and eat obscene amounts of chicken. Have no fear though, we're back and ready for some more blogging! Look out for more editorial stories, reviews and the conclusion of my KFC Cure experiment.

A final thought, it was the Colonel's 119th birthday yesterday. I trust all the KFB fans out there were down at there local branch for a commemerative meal in his honour...we salute you Harland!

El Pollo Loco has a beef with the Colonel

Here at Kentucky Fried Bloggin' HQ we don't have a problem with people pointing out the inadequacies of KFC - it's something we ourselves are more than happy to do in order to provide constructive criticism for Harland. What we do have a problem with however is competitors who think it's OK to twist truths about KFC for their own commercial gain.

So here's the background: El Pollo Loco is an American grilled chicken chain. And we freely admit the fact that several of their products sound delicious. See the Twice Grilled Burrito for example (it must taste double delicious, right?). And that sure does look like a tasty array of sides. But we digress.

What you really need to focus on is this damning video.

Let us examine the accusations in turn if we may.

1. KFC's grilled products are in fact oven baked. Think about your own kitchen facilities. Where is your grill located? In the oven you say? We thought as much. KFC does not state anywhere that their chicken is flame-grilled. Case closed.
2. KFC uses beef products in the seasoning of their grilled chicken. This is indeed a fact, as can be found on page 14 of the official KFC ingredients list. Now whether or not this is a major issue we suspect depends on one of several factors including but not limited to your religious beliefs, your distaste for cattle and whether or not you view a primarily chicken-based restaurant's selling of a product containing an alternative meat as a crime. As for the former, KKB believes only in the church of Harland, meaning of course that we have no problem with this 'revelation'. And as for the latter, we have long been fans of the Daddy Burger and KFC AM products, both of which contain bacon. It also seems timely to point out that KFC has officially responded to this particular criticism by stating that a mere 0.2% of the seasoning alone comprises beef products.
   

So let us end this post with a clear recommendation for El Pollo Loco: Rather than lambasting the competition, let the supposed quality of your products do the talking.

KFBloggin's KFC HQ trip - Part 2

Ladies and gentlemen. . . . . welcome to the Zinger Zone, an opulently appointed meeting and conference room on the ground floor of HQ. The large table was replete with a fine selection of Yum brands' beverages, Pepsi & Drench water amongst others.

Taking a seat, the lights dimmed and two giant plasma screens silently began screening their spectacle, a modified KFC induction presentation. David our host guided us knowledgeably through the inner workings, giving us a low down on products (including some new ones, milkshake anyone?), strategy, global perspective and a veritable Who's Who of UK Fried Chicken before the grand tour.

The tour was a, but not the, highlight of the day and encompassed the training facilities all resplendent with their fine names, (The Colonel's Kabin, Popcorn Palace etc) where we saw students hard at work learning the virtues of serving quality fried chicken. We visited all the major departments with marketing being the most interesting and finance (sorry guys) the least. However we only touched upon the test kitchens (for they were to be showcased later.) before heading back to the Zinger Zone to chat chicken with some bigwigs.

"I don't know what you've done guys, but some people pretty high up in the company want to meet you."

said Daniel Hayward, head of HR. And so it came to pass that we easily whiled away an hour and a half recounting the tale of the blog and the beautiful story of those halcyon days the chicken spent countless hours wooing us at university, helping us through the bad times and sharing the good times with us. We reminisced over friends that have passed (Hot Rods & more recently the Blazin' Boxmaster) and recounted our penitences when on pilgrimages to Preston and Kentucky. We discussed likes and dislikes where I happened to mention my shame, for which some label me a pariah. . . . . that I do not eat chicken on the bone. A shocked room fell into silence as the implications of my revelation dawned. Lunch was scheduled at 1pm and the plan was for us to eat original recipe Chicken pieces.


Would Daniel be able to get some boneless chicken?
Would there be any buns?
Would they be able to cook it in time?

and would it be great (yes of course it would)

find out in the next exciting installment. . . . . coming soon only to KFB.

KFBloggin's KFC HQ Trip – Part 1

Recently, KFBloggin's team of hungry amateur journalists were offered the chance of a lifetime for any serious chicken fan – a trip to KFC UK HQ. This, is their story...

It was late at night in KFBloggin's London HQ, and the chill spring air had forced even the most die-hard KFC enthusiasts away from their forums and blogposts, and into the warmth of their beds. Suddenly, as the clocks turned past 2 am, an alarm ran out, waking us from our dreams of new KFC products and sending us staggering wearily to the door to see who could possibly be calling at this uncolonely hour. The door burst open, and in a flash of blinding light DG appeared, with news that would change our lives forever. “Get some sleep lads” he said, madness dancing in his wild eyes...

We're going to KFC HQ tomorrow!

After a few hours of restless sleep, and after DG had collapsed face down on a sofa for a while after his nightmare 6 hour journey, we awoke excitedly at 8am, and after rejecting the possibility of visiting a KFC AM for a morning pick-me-up for fear of regurgitating our delicious breakfast due to sheer joy and amazement, we quickly left our own HQ and headed to the nearest train station in order to directly proceed to another. After a final short team meeting and brainstorm on the train(storm) we arrived at our destination, the fabulous golden city of Woking. Though saddened that we did not have time to visit the towns KFC branch before our meeting, we headed directly to the imposing office-fronted edifice that houses the UK brains of the KFC operation.

Walking into the building's reception, we each felt that it appeared much as any other office, little knowing the strange and wonderful secrets that lurked within the veritable Chocolate factory of a place. Handing in our golden tickets giving our names to the receptionist, we each received official YUM! Passes for use in the building, and were left to our own devices, and the breathless anticipation of a short wait. We were soon greeted by our first team members of the day (and our first tour guides),

Daniel Hayward, UK Recruitment Manager (favourite KFC product: Hot Wings)

David Jones, HR Assistant (favourite KFC product:Blazin' Boxmaster)

Offering to show us around the ground floor, David lead us into the KFC offices, firstly through a canteen and relaxation area (where this Blogger could not help but notice that the plates , cutlery and wetwipes available were the same as those seen in your average KFC branch). A new Lavazza coffee machine was being fitted here – and we would hear more on that issue later. Past that, we winded our way down a corridor, and paused for a moment to remark upon the doors to the various meeting rooms and office spaces, each carrying the name of a KFC or YUM! group product, such as the delicious, “Zinger Zone.” All too soon, we had arrived at our destination, just in time for our first meeting. Soon, all the mysteries and questions that we had could, and would be solved by some of the biggest KFC experts in the country. Excitedly, we gripped the door handle, and turned it, opening the door to our first meeting of the day...
Join us again soon for part 2, where the mysteries and wonders of KFC will be laid bare...

Kentucky Fried Text

I am frequently sent small missives from friends and acquaintances by text message when they are in a branch of KFC. Most are just a fun way of staying in touch, but some, & one in particular I received the other day really highlights the hold the delicious finger licking flavour has over people, making them drop whatever they're doing in pursuit of happiness:

"At one of Vanessa's friends weddings at the moment, the service is going on as we speak. . . . . I'm across the road at KFC"

No.1 Wicked Zinger fan

This picture was taken from a document located deep within the Vatican Archives. It depicts J. Christ inspecting a 'hot wing'. Many believe this was his last meal before he was put to death on the cross.
If any further proof was needed to support the theory of creationism, then this is surely it.

I ask you followers;
How can one believe that the sheer perfection contained within every piece of the Colonels chicken is there because of luck or dare I say it "Natural Selection"?
No, one cannot. The chicken was put on earth for one purpose, to be coated in 11 secret herbs (urbz*) and spices and then fried to a delicious beauty.
So next time you're tucking-in to a delicious Zinger Box, rest assured you're in great company.

Be blessed.

The Lost Supper

During a major restoration of one of Da Vinci's masterpieces The Last Supper, some previously hidden details were uncovered. The painting in Milan has recently been given a deep clean and restoration when the surprising details emerged.

" We never knew what supper was supposed to be and didn't think it mattered"

said chief curate Alphonso Darichi.

" However Da Vinci is famed for the inclusion in his works of code, mystery
and intrigue so perhaps he was trying to convey to us some details about the
recipe"

The Painting was begun 1n 1495 and finished 3 years later. No reference in recorded history exists and neither has there ever been any rumour pertaining to the menu. Following the discovery museums around the world holding Da Vinci's works have announced plans to thoroughly inspect them for evidence of other hidden gems.

In this exclusive picture showing the new details, the fayre is plain to see. Jesus and his disciples are enjoying 3 Bargain Buckets for which they would have paid around 29.97 Shekels.

There appears to be plenty of food to go around although Jesus can be seen to be hoarding one bucket to himself whilst 3 disciples to the right of Jesus look on enviouisly at the Finger Lickin' Chicken.

Forgive me Harland for I Have Sinned

As the large congregation finished the final hymn, California Soul by Marlena Shaw we began moving forward ready to take the Eucharist. As I reached the head of the queue I struggled to look Father Doyle in the eye. I knew that in about 20 minutes time he'd be hearing my confession.

As I opened my mouth he placed a succulent piece of Popcorn Chicken on my tongue which I washed down with a sip of Gravy from the Prayer Bucket. For a few glorious seconds my soul was clean as the recipe coursed through my veins. Then I was back in the middle of a Sunday service at the 5th Chickentarian Church of Stone. It was a traditional church with the spire representing the Chicken's neck and head and the two wings representing, well, the wings. It often amazed my how much of our religious lexicon had pervaded everyday language but it was uplifting to be reminded of the Colonel during everyday conversations. For example, a bucket now was a common word for a rigid bag. A colonel is a very high military rank, and the list could go on.

My sense of dread came back to me as we genuflected for the lords prayer:

Our Harland Who Art In Heaven
Shallow Fried Be Thy Name
Thy Chicken Come
It Will Be Eaten
On Earth As It Is In Heaven
Give Us This Day Our Daily Zing
And Forgive Us Our Subways
As We Forgive Those Who Visit burger king
And Lead Us Not Into mc donald's
But Deliver Us Some Chicken
For Thine Is The Recipe With 11 Secret Herbs & Spices For Ever & Ever

Chick-en

Following the service there were about 10 of us loitering near the confessional. I thought again about the sermon which had had an Easter theme. Father Doyle explained why symbolically we ate chocolate eggs at easter as they represented the Chicken we all love so dearly. It should be broken into a symbolic nine pieces to represent the nine different cuts that Harland had decreed should come from the bird.

I moved forward as a lady left the confessional in floods of tears but I was still a few places from the front. By now my mind was swimming and I began to think about all the stories I had learnt in Sunday School 20 years ago. I learnt about how Harland had perfected the recipe in 7 days and the feeding of the 5000 from only one Bucket of Chicken. In another story Harland had thrown all the imitation Fried Chicken vendors from the malls in disgust.

By now I had moved up a couple of places and had begun remembering the more sinister stories we had been told as we got older.

Harland had lost his only son in an automobile wreck so that we could enjoy the recipe and that later on he was betrayed by his disciple Tim. I always thought that the most exciting times were the Chicken wars that had taken place in Eastern Europe. In Sunday School they'd told us that when they got the recipe over there it translated as "Kentucky Fried Poultry" two groups sprang up, those who thought it should be made using Chicken and those who thought Turkey. Many countries in the region had related names Turkey and Turkmenistan fervently believed the recipe should be made using Turkey. Greece and Cro(w)atia believed Chicken whilst Hungary and Eg(g)ypt often changed allegience.

The saddest tales had been of prohibition, imagine four whole years without KFC? People during this time would mix up illegal batches of spices in their bathtubs, some of which proved to be lethal. Ruthless gangsters such as Al Caponthebone ran eateasies ,but thankfully, finally the world came to its senses and the industry rapidly sprang back to life using the one good thing to come from this period. To hide the rancid taste of many recipe attempts Chicken cocktails were invented and Zing was born, it has been a favourite ever since.

By now it was my turn to enter the confessional. I silently repeated the Hail Harland:

Hail Harland
Full Of Taste
The Lord Eats With Thee
Blessed Are Thou Amongst Poultry
And Blessed Is The Food
Of Thy Dining Room
Father Of The Recipe
Pray For Us Eaters Now
And At The Hour Of Our Coronary

Chick-en

"Forgive me father for I have sinned. I have forsaken the Zinger Tower on a number of occasions now and had the Blazin' Boxmaster instead"

"And why have you done this my child?"

"Well Father, it's the Blazin'. I had to try it once like you told us so that we can understand all of Harlands good work, but the Blazin' Father, it's just so good."

"Tell me about this Blaze" he said emphasising the word blaze with obvious contempt for it.

"Well father, the Zing is still there but the Jalapeno Mayo that makes the Blazin' is just so spicy and good."

"Jalapeno Mayo?" he said desperately before he seemed to have an epiphany "Oh my Harland, I was wrong, forgive me. Only now has the prophecy been fulfilled. Don't you see? Harland said 'I will give you the spice of life', it is in the scriptures. I always thought he meant Zing."

"Father are you OK?"

"Don't you see. . . . . The Spice Of Life! Jalapeno is the spice and the mayo made with eggs is the life, eggs, dont you see? The prophecy has been fulfilled." Suddenly he fled the confessional and his words trailed off. All I heard as he ran from the building was "Do not worry child you have not sinned, I must go to Kentucky to see the Popultry. . . . . "

And with that he was gone.